lol: luke on life

"A lot of people may not know this but I happen to be quite famous." Ted Dansen, that guy i'm in the photo with, said that as the character Sam Malone on the best TV show ever. if you you don't know what that is you won't regret looking it up and watching all of them.  I'd like to be famous one day and also have no one know about it either.

Airport toilet paper is less efficient at wiping than a grocery store receipt.

I hate to sound like a braggart but I have been hit on several times by members of the same sex. I find it flattering.  I also sometimes wish I was gay just because of how cunty women can sometimes be. But man.... If I was as aggressive to ladies as gay men are to me I'd be on Megan's List. You can't know me for 30 minutes, get my number from our mutual friend, then call me from the bathroom of the bar we're at while I'm sitting next to your life partner and tell me to come meet you in the stall. That's ridiculous. Unless it works though, because that'd be pimp shit!

I feel like DJ's used to be a lot more receptive to requests. They used to have to schlep around 6,000 records to every wedding, Bar Mitzvah, or Quinceanera they got hired for and pretend like they loved it when you said, "Hey, can you play La Bamba, my sister will die when she hears it" then they had to act like you just thought of a song he or she didn't think to put on. Now when you go to request a song it's some super tan emo asshole who gives you the same emotional response to your song request as I give to the the DMV lady when she tells me, "Sorry, you're in the wrong line, you have to go stand in that one over there."

Pandora should send a "you suck" text to the artist who's song you just thumbs downed so they know how much you hate them. I'm talking to you Nickleback! They should also play a song you have previously "thumbs upped" after playing one that you just "thumbs downed" to make amends. Don't play shit I really hate on a station I'm building is what i'm saying. I like Spotify, but you were here first Pandora, so get better or die tryin'.

I feel just as sad when I find out your restaurant doesn't have a website as I do when I look at the Yellow Pages that have been sitting on my porch for the last month.  Utter disappointment.  Do you know how much it sucks to be wasted and want to call in an order for a friend to pick up without a menu in front of you? My mom has a website and she's like 90. Come on guys.

My mom is 65 and she is the best mom ever.  Ever. And she doesn't have a website so stop Googling her creeps.

Retro Monday: Five People You'll Meet on an Elevator

Due to the popularity of water bottles and the declining popularity of stairs, the elevator is becoming the new "water cooler" of the office environment. In the elevator, people engage in very brief conversations about television shows, office gossip, and how fun it is to stand two feet away from someone and pretend like they're not even there. Here are 5 people you'll run into in the office elevator:

Big Important Interview Guy
He's decked out from head to toe in a professional looking suit, and he'll try to start a friendly conversation with you in the off chance that you might be some important executive with the company, even though you're sweaty, smell like chinese food, and are wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday because you went home last night, drank yourself to sleep, then crawled into the office twenty minutes late this morning. You'll converse amicably with him, but you won't hear anything he says because you'll be wondering the whole time if he's interviewing for your job, and if after he gets your job he's going to steal your girlfriend and your dog, and if he might eventually just assume your identity and steal your entire life. You're thinking these things because you're still a little drunk from last night. Just hold it together, man.

The Public Farter
We've all been on an elevator with this guy, and there's a good chance that we've also been this guy at some time or another. Therefore, rather than discussing the infinite ways that being in a fart-laden elevator sucks, let's just talk about the best ways to fart-bomb an elevator: you could just be bold, and let that fart rip in front of everyone onboard, but that's a quick way to lose friends. Most of the time, a workplace environment requires a more subtle approach. Silent-but-Deadlies are a tried-and-true favorite, but it's important to remember that, after you rip it, your reaction and body language should reflect that of the people around you.  If you're the only guy on the elevator who's not watery-eyed and gagging, you'll give yourself away.

Too Much Cologne Guy
Until you ran into this guy, you probably didn't realize that some people's showers drown them in cheap Stetson cologne instead of water every morning, but it's true. How else could somebody be wearing such an ungodly amount of it? Too Much Cologne Guy is both a blessing and a curse: on the one hand, riding an elevator with him for 30 seconds will make you smell deliciously musky for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, that 30 second elevator ride will probably result in you passing out from excessive olfactory stimulation, and you'll lose about fifty thousand brain cells in the process.

Late For a Meeting Guy
If you run into this guy on the elevator, it would be in your best interests to just avoid any form of interaction with him altogether. He's frantic and frustrated, and he'll demonstrate this by swearing under his breath, pounding mercilessly on the elevator buttons, even though they're already clearly lit up, and checking his watch 15 times in the 25 seconds that he's on the elevator. He's completely focused on being an impatient asshole right now, and any effort on your part to alleviate the situation will be met with a sneer and probably a very inappropriate, back-handed insult. It's best to just let him go and get the next one.

Loud Phone Guy
Who the hell knows where this guy came from. Maybe he was a roadie for a metal band in the '80's. Maybe he's the owner and operator of an old Civil War-era cannon. At first, you'll think that this is the most normal-sounding deaf guy you've ever heard. Then you'll realize that he's just an idiot, and he thinks that stepping into an elevator and losing reception means that he's entered some kind of strange galactic warp zone where the phone on the other end of his call has magically become less-powerful, and he needs to scream every single thing he says to get the message through. Either way, the combination of this guy's lack of understanding of how phones work, his complete absense of common etiquette, and the acoustics of an elevator make for an incredibly shitty ride for you.

Whoopsy: Dating Disasters 101

Dating can be hard - Or, depending on the amount of whiskey consumed, completely soft. With awkward moments liable to happen at the drop of a hat, contributors PWeekly and Rachel in the Know help you wade through some of datings most brutal obstacles.

The Check
PWeekly: Honestly, who eats? I’m happy to buy a lady two, three or sixteen rounds - hell, if it’s that important I’ll even call those lemon wedges dinner. But a full on meal? That just means my abs will be less “situation” and more “grande burrito” by the end of the night. Also, my breath retains garlic. So, you’re welcome for that ladies.

Rachel in the Know: I would love to sit here and tell you that my 'love don't cost a thing', but in fact it does - and it costs exactly as much as the amount on our dinner bill is. Part of me really wants to believe that it doesn't matter who pays, even on the first date, but the reality is - it does. While most first dates have paid the bill, it's always super uncomfortable once your server places the black book on your table. You want him to pay, but you don't want to look like a stuck up bitch and not even offer. My trick is to do a fake grab for the check in hopes that he will rip it from my hands and pull out his American Express Black Card. For the record, that has never happened. Chances are if you're on a date with a dick, he will actually accept your offer to split the check and you will wind up pissed. If he's a nice guy and wants to see you naked after dinner, he'll pay the tab in full. Your best bet is to go into the date with the notion that chivalry is dead and you will at least be forking over half. Now, if this is your third, forth, etc. date definitely take turns paying. Never split a check. Friends split checks. If he gets dinner, buy the drinks or movie tickets. Oh who am I kidding? You shouldn't have to pay anything. Your payments come in the form of s-ing his d and that should be enough.

Unsolicited Wood
PWeekly: Is there such a thing as unsolicited wood? Shit, with my levels of alcohol consumption any time I can get hard is cause for celebration. If I get wood at any point on a date I know two things, 1: I haven’t yet consumed enough pills to render my bottom half useless, and 2: I’m not on a date with the lunch shift server at Mimi’s. Guys can save me all this shit about unsolicited wood being awkward. Really? Awkward? This would make sense if you were 12 or had a cocktail frank the size of Danny Bonaduce’s and just didn’t notice it before you stood up.

Rachel in the Know: A surprise boner can be one of two things: a blessing or a curse. I've dated many guys who can't get it up so anytime I see a penis on the rise, even if it's while sitting the food court, I’m thankful. I'm not thankful however, when I walk into the bathroom and see my guy jacking his weenis to Olivia Wilde's FHM spread. I have nothing more to say on the subject.

Hairy Leg Discovery
PWeekly: I abstain from any sexual activity during the winter because people don't shave when Bing Crosby is on the radio. I know that from October to March your legs sport more hair than Eric Stoltz’ head in Mask. Women will complain about limp dick syndrome, especially around the holidays. But when men know what kind of friar patch is waiting beneath your new jeggings, you can’t blame the twelve Christmas Drinks we had for our flaccid Fabio's.

Rachel in the Know: Darlin', you said you catch a grenade for me and throw your hand on a blade for me, yet you won’t even graze a prickled hair on my leg for me. As I was whipping my hair back and forth and riding your body, it became clear that Willow Smith’s number 1 single was not just referring to the massive weave of curly jew hair on my head, but rather the coarse mane on my legs. You attended my Bat Mitzvah so it should not come as a surprise that the black lyrca on my legs were not my tights. Yes gentlemen, sometimes right after we shave our legs, the air conditioner kicks in and we get the 5 o’clock shadow which can be uncomfortable, but is that really a deal breaker? You are being ridden like a cowboy at the Professional Bull Riders event at Arco Arena and you’re gunna trip about some leg stubble? Maybe next time since I’m providing the condom, you can provide me with a Bic razor.

Robo's Ramblings: Checking In

Pweekly, being the profound Editor-in-Chief of Sacramento’s fourth best blog, sent me a note yesterday that simply said, “how about an article?”  When I pressed him for a subject or an idea, he responded with “baseball” or “gun laws” (apparently those are my go-tos).  Having been off the reservation for 2013 (and the majority of 2012), I figured it better to skip the pro-Giants post or political rant and instead give you all an update on life’s recent events and introduce myself to those of you recently lured over to this site by way of PWeekly’s constant attention-whoring and Rachel’s bag-o’ dick jokes (not sure what Luke does these days…something to do with big gulps and taco sauce…I think).

Introductions first:  For those who haven’t figured it out, my name is Robo and I am a 30-something working as a government employee by day (not the kind that eats soda and birthday cake for breakfast) and practicing karate and child-rearing by night.  I am married to a woman who outshines me in every way possible and I have a 17-month-old son who callsMickey Mouse “Minnie” and thinks he can operate an automobile (more on him in a minute).  Politically, I tend to lean towards the left (except around tax time when I pull out my Tea Party Patriot shirt, Grover Norquist button, and start circling the Capitol in a painted van), but generally think both parties need a good unfucking.  I enjoy day-drinking, the works of Home BoxOffice, and when given the opportunity, eating foie gras and talking about how good it is in front of vegetarians.

As mentioned above, my family, along with the gym and home improvement projects (killing plants), take up most of my free time these days.  I must say, it is a trip to watch a kid grow up.  One day they’re unknowingly shitting themselves and struggling to roll over, the next they’re actively shitting themselves, looking at you while doing it, and saying, “high five!”  It is nuts how fast our son has gone from helpless baby to full-fledged kid.  I remember giving him a bath a month or so ago, watching him figure out his wienie, and thinking to myself, “we have a toddler on our hands.”  

The biggest progression our son has made since I last posted onPweekly’s SMEBB Message Board has to be walking and talking.  He runs around like a flightless bird, leading with his head, arms at his side, bobbing up and down, all while smashing into everything in sight with no concern for bodily harm.  He usually yells something as he’s running which I can’t understand, but find funny nonetheless because it reiterates the fact that toddlers are certifiably insane.  The talking part of watching him develop trumps everything.  He has a solid understanding of 10 or so random words, including “car, Abby, cook, momma, dada, dog, shoe, banana, Jew,” and the aforementioned, “high-five!”  I have been trying to teach him words that sound like bad words in hopes that he will confuse my mother-in-law (we’re currently working on “ship” and “vacuum”).

Other than raising the boy, work has been busy.  I recently left the Department of Fun and am now working for the government lobbying on behalf single, 30 -something women who supportcats and cat accessories.  The pay is great, but the hours are long and it’s devastating to my allergies.  

Last, but not least, my wife and I just celebrated three-years of marriage which is crazy considering I referred to her as “blonde girl” for the first few months when we met.  Needless to say, things worked out and we’re coasting along doing the things husbands and wives do.  She keeps me in check when it comes to patience and the kid, lets me know when my hair makes me look like a lesbian, and starts the BBQ a couple times a week.  I try and return the favor from time to time.  She broke her finger a couple weeks ago so a few times a week I have to get in the shower and wash her hair for her and she can’t change diapers(Wife 2-Me 0).  Torture I know, but at least I get to see her naked and baby shit is only bad if you get it in your mouth.

Hopefully, you’ll hear more from me soon.  I think I have a 2013 F-List to write soon so that’ll be exciting.  However, I think my next blog will be titled, “PWeekly: A Case Study on Day-Time Soap Stars, Manliness, and the Vodka Soda.”  It’s a period piece…

Let's Talk About Sex Baby! (With Yourself)

Let's face it: everyone loves a good orgasm but the risk of STDs and pregnancy are sometimes too high to chance. That, or you can't find another human being to touch your privates. Or, you're into some really nasty shit and too afraid to bring anyone in on how it's done. Regardless, there are heaps of devices that can get you to that happy place without feeling shamed... or itchy. While a lot of people are ashamed to admit that they jerk it (a lot), PWeekly and Rachel in Know think it's only natural - just like consuming 13 vodkas in a row.

Vibrator:
What it is: They come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and speeds and you can shove some of them up your hole of choice or use it as a massager. Let’s hope you know which is which.
What is says about you: If you go full-pink rabbit style then you like being simulated at every single angle and are probably a dirty bitch. In a good way. You’re looking for a crazy, mind-blowing night (alone) and will probably have to close your windows in order to not disturb the neighbors…six blocks down. If you’re going simple vibrator, you’re more into having a relaxing orgasm that will give you pleasure, but not completely demotivate you to finish doing your laundry.

Dildo:
What it is: Basically a prosthetic penis.
What is says about you: You love penis.

Butt Plug: 
What it is: A butt plug is a plug for your anoos, cleverly named for that fact. Generally they’re tapered, so you can ease it in and then you get uncomfortable, then really uncomfortable, then pop, a narrow bottom part so your little pucker closes down over it and - spoiler alert - your butt is plugged.
What it says about you: As a fan of ass stuffing, you probably enjoy a touch of degradation and maybe you have an issue with eating too much fiber. Or not enough.

Rocket:
What it is: A small, but extremely powerful vibrating bullet-shaped object used to simulate a woman.
What is says about you: This is definitely for the working woman. If you need an O fast and hard, this is the way to go. Have you ever been in between meetings but so ridiculously horny that you have to come or you will explode? That’s what is this for. That or, you’re reading fifty shades of grey and you don’t have available hands.

Fleshlight:
What it is: A highly advanced dick mitten shaped like any number of amusing orifices and potentially modeled after a specific orifice.
What it says about you: You’re likely the founder of PWeekly.com

Blow Up Doll:
What it is: An inflatable toy purported to be shaped like a woman, but typically only in the most rudimentary way.
What it says about you: You prioritize carpooling. And you’re despicable.

Hand:
What it is: The thing on the end of your arm (hopefully) containing fingers.
What is says about you: You are either extremely motivated or have run out of batteries. Regardless, it takes a lot of work to self-stimulate but the end product is glorious.

cocktails: by rachel in the know

Gentlemen of America: Are you suffering from harsh blisters and bitter resentment? Have you found yourself stricken with tendinitis of the right arm? Are you tired of balled up Kleenex all over your floors, sinks, pillow cases and trash cans? Do you constantly lie to your roommate by saying that the new issue of Maxim "never came" when in reality it's crusted up in your night stand? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are probably lacking when it comes to meeting and maintaining a human woman. It's not your fault though, we play games and pretend to be people we aren't on purpose. One thing we can't hide though is our booze preference. So when you head out to the bars tonight, pay close attention. Her drink order will tell you a great deal about the type of person she really is. 

Female beer drinkers fall under one of two physical categories: they either have a full set of teeth or are missing three or more. There are no exceptions to this. The toothless woman can be found drinking from cans on the porch of her trailer home or at  Monte Carlo on 16th Street, while the toothed one goes for a draft while front row at an NBA game or on the back patio of Firestone. Despite their radically opposite lifestyles, you are 100% guaranteed to see both of them at any given Reba McEntire comeback concert in Marysville. Of course, "toothless" will be watching from the water tower, but technically she's still "there." The fully-toothed women is a wildly successful corporate executive who also happens to look amazing in a plaid button down. Not surprisingly, the toothless women works for the DMV and looks terrible in plaid button downs, but is probably a rock star when it comes to finding the last of the Hostess lineup on Amazon. 

Vodka Soda 

I can speak from personal experience on the Vodka Soda girl considering I drink roughly nine a day. Vodka soda girl is fun at times, belligerent always and after 1AM, is capable of little more than microwaving a hash brown. Hooking up with this girl is sure to leave you with gnarly headache because she is painfully loud and a raging chain smoker. If you're still interested after that tidbit, at least make sure you get back to her place at the end of the night because if you take her to yours, she will hook up with your roommate after you pass out and then leave with your sweatpants on. She will never give them back. 

Whiskey Neat

The whiskey girl is hot (in a dirty way) and loves house music. She went to city college for three semesters and likes long walks in McKinley Park in order to come down from the MDMA she took in the bathroom of Badlands the previous night. This girl prefers relationships to one night stands - mainly because she is in a constant state of oblivion and needs a familiar face around at all times.

Whiskey and Coke

This girl is a guy's-girl. She cute, but not hot. But what she lacks in uber sex appeal (and the ability to stroke you while simultaneously cupping your balls - see: missing arm) she makes up for in a kick ass Wii partner. Her figure is on the boyish side which means she has rockin' lean legs and a nice stomach but you definitely won't be able to place a cup on her booty - if that's something you're into. She's most comfortable in a hoodie, jeans and converse but is also known to make her morning tea sans pants.

Martini

This girl is terrible. She is currently on her third breast augmentation, since the first two procedures left her right nipple looking like an oreo cookie. She has acrylic nails, bleach blonde hair and is heavily spray tanned which will rub off on all of your towels and bed sheets. She "earned" a college degree and graduated with honors, but only because she accused the Dean of Students of trying to grope her during his office hours. She refuses to pay for her drinks and won't sleep with you until you prove your love in the form of a luxury watch or a trip to Bali.

Wine/Champs

Women who drink wine or champagne at a bar on a Friday night are pretentious and boring. And if a woman ever refers to champagne as "champs" I give you permission to punch her in the breast. Choosing this drink is a way of saying, "I want to get a buzz, but I will not have sex with any of you losers." This girl probably went to a UC School but now works for an environmental non-profit in Galt. She doesn't make shit for money, hence the glass of $2.50 Barefoot Merlot in her hand. However, if you're someone who happens to wear wool scarves and have a business card of any kind, you actually have a good chance with this girl.

Shots

Hell yes for this kick-ass rock star. If a girl is taking shots all night in lieu of cocktails, she has just caught her boyfriend sleeping with her best friend, who happens to be hella hotter than her. Either that or she's a raging alcoholic. Both bode extremely well for your late night "plans". She is someone you'll never introduce to your parents or the majority of your friends, but she is a sure thing for at least 45 minutes to an hour of pleasure - assuming she's conscious.

video highlights: SMEBB 2013

Check our our SMEBB 2013 party video (courtesy of  Max Video Productions) - they captured all the highlights and so many of our amazing nominees/attendees:




2013 was our best year yet – we really appreciate everyone’s support and positive energy! A huge thanks again to all of our nominees, partners and friends who helped plan and/or promote SMEBB.

Specifically, we want to give shout-outs to:

• Our community partner WEAVE, Inc, which provides an array of services to women, men and children in the greater Sacramento region who have experienced domestic violence or have been sexually assaulted. WEAVE also works as part of the Rescue & Restore Coalition to support victims of human trafficking. (GOTG parties with a purpose!)

• Our co-host PWeekly.com – Patrick Harbison (SMEB 2010 Winner)

• Our friend/GOTGer Chantel Elder at Eleakis & Elder Photography for capturing the evening.

• Our friends at SacAnnex.com and Good Day Sacramento for promoting the hell out of our nominees and parties!
• Our friends at Xoso Social Sports League and River City Social Club for co-hosting mixers four our nominees (not to mention de Vere’s Irish Pub and KBar for having us!).

• Our friends Tess and Bennett at Uber for giving our readers/supporters $20 off their first ride.

• And Max Video Productions for creating this amazing video.**

Not familiar with SMEBB? Check out our past competitions:

• 2012 Exit Interviews: Matt Ruggerio and Lawana Welch
• 2012 Party Pictures
• 2012 Nominees
• 2011 Exit Interview: Eric Dietz
• 2011 Party Pictures
• 2011 Nominees
• 2010 Exit Interview: Patrick Harbison
• 2010 Party Pictures
• 2010 Nominees

Our 5th Annual SMEBB will be back in February 2014 – and get ready, because we’re planning an even bigger/better/crazier event!

**Max Video Productions is a company based out of Roseville, CA providing professional high quality video production services to the greater Sacramento area and Northern California. Specializing in weddings-commercials-events-sports-performance arts + more!

mayonnaise is the devil

Mayonnaise is not tasty. I begin with the worst culprit, fast food mayonnaise. I can’t think of anything that is more vomit inducing than warm mayonnaise that has been sitting out for hours near a heat lamp growing all kinds of bacteria, parasites, and decomposing insects. Please don’t give me the, “Oh come on, it’s not that bad.” You would be incorrect. Do you trust the minimum wage fast food worker to shuffle back and forth between their “station” at the grill and the walk-in fridge to ensure that the 30 billion doses of mayonnaise for the day are nice and fresh? Hello? Wake up! That mayonnaise has been warmer than room temperature and exposed to elements and creatures alike for hours and you’re eating it. Rule: mayonnaise spoils; if you are going to put in your body: a) know where the closest emergency room is, and b) know where it’s been (the answer should include refrigeration).

Inexplicably however, mayonnaise use is diverse. But I would posit that the setting for mayonnaise consumption is almost universally irrelevant. Even at a respectable dining establishment, these guys are busy. That funk is still going to sit out unrefrigerated, it’s warm, it’s viscous, it looks like horse sperm and smells like it as well. Question: If you are eating something with mayonnaise in it, are you really eating at a respectable dining establishment?

Lastly, I would be remiss if I were to ignore another common American phenomenon: at-home mayonnaise. Millions of American households have jars of mayonnaise that have been left, seal broken, in their refrigerator in excess of six months. I have no problem with food that does not spoil – WHEN IT IS IN A SEALED CONTAINER. The seal has been broken and it is acceptable to eat months later??? I don’t want to eat anything with that kind of staying power.

Rule: there is a positive relationship between variables “length of time in fridge” and “velocity of escape from lower intestine”. That’s math people, look into it

sidekick city: best sitcom neighbors

We grew up watching sitcoms, and the best character in any traditional sitcom is always the wacky neighbor. Just like the retarded kid that they tried to integrate into your fifth grade class, the wacky neighbor provides excellent comic relief and spices up every situation with unconventional silliness. These are some of our favorite sitcom neighbors:

Marcy D'arcy
Married with Children

Living next door to Marcy D'arcy is being neighbors with your sixth grade math teacher who hated your guts because you whispered a fat joke to your friend on the second day of class and somehow she heard you and held it over your head for the rest of the year. She's cranky, bitchy, and really easy to make fun of, so if your going up against her, you'd better take Al Bundy's lead and have a "you look like a little boy and you have no tits at all"-type comeback for everything she says.



Boner Stabone
Growing Pains

Boner Stabone was a pretty standard, Eddie Haskel-esque neighbor on Growing Pains. He stands out in our books as possibly the best innapropriate-joke-that-slipped-through-the-cracks-of-network-television ever. Boner's real name is Dicky Stabone. His nickname is Boner. Any way you slice it, he was one giant dick joke airing weekly on primetime network TV.



Mr. Feeney
Boy Meets World

Mr. Feeney was the all-purpose adult for the kids on Boy Meets World. He was, at various times throughout the series, their teacher, their principal, and their college professor. He was probably also a stalker.



Kimmy Gibler
Full House

Kimmy Gibbler was the prototype for all annoying child neighbors to follow. She was completely obnoxious, disrespectful, and had about as much sex appeal as a dirty diaper.

get to know your smebb nominees: austin and julia

Wanting to know more about this year's crop of talented SMEBB nominees? PWeekly and GirlsOnTheGrid have launched a web-based video series introducing you to some of these local champions. Tune in and get to know them. Then promptly join us for some excessive vodka consumption Wednesday, February 12 at Marilyn's on K as we crown the winners.

We're starting the series off with Austin and Julia. Check back daily for new additions.